Wednesday, March 28, 2012

And the Wheels on the Bus

It’s funny to me how we, (the created), tell God, (the Creator), exactly how we want our life to pan out. We do more than tell. We demand. We hand him the script and say GO before we take a second to listen. To ask ourselves the question, WHY? Why are we doing this to ourselves?

Human beings are silly. (And yes, I am one of them.) We live and breathe out of this place we like to call empowerment, independence, and control. But be honest with yourself. What kind of control do you really have over your life? Really?

Trust me, my intention is not to scare you. My plan for my readers and for myself is to constantly bring us back to the bigger picture, the bigger story. Really, to a place of humility. Raw Humility. There's nothing like it. I genuinely desire to draw you in to a higher power that is after your soul, that knows the timing of your ever breath, every heart beat. He paints pictures in the sky and gives color to the leaves and brings smiles to the faces of those around you until perhaps you finally pause and say,

"Wait. This is real."

How often do we want to be in charge until something goes wrong. But when that “something” plants its roots deep into our hearts and we experience pain of some sort, all of the sudden, it’s God’s fault. We point our finger to the sky and curse the Living God because He messed up our plan. What right does He have to intervene when things are going so well? These are the kinds of moments that turn so many people away from Jesus. He doesn't fix their problems the way they want Him to, so they get tired of waiting around and give up. They have waited at the bus stop at the crossroads of Pain and Shame and they finally decide to walk home. The bus isn't coming.

So many times I have stood at that bus stop. Waiting. Waiting to escape my pain, my misery, myself. I imagine myself standing in the heat of the day as I routinely check the status of my beat-up, modern-day "uncool" cell phone telling me the time I am afraid to learn. And I ask myself questions like, "How long do I wait?" "When do I give up and just walk home?" "When do I stop trusting the bus driver to show up and be the escape that I so desperately need?

In a way, I feel that we are always waiting on something in life... whether it be a person, a job, a degree, a sense of respect from our peers, a seal of approval from someone you love and trust. Perhaps we are waiting on the "right time to say the "right words" to someone the "right way".

Or maybe we are waiting to be free.

Whether we realize it or not, could we be, should we be waiting on freedom? Freedom from the expectations and demands we so easily place on ourselves? Freedom from the way we allow people to treat us because deep down, we think that is what we deserve?

Quite honestly, maybe we are wasting our time at the bus stop. Maybe what we are actually waiting on has already arrived in the form of a Savior: a living, breathing God who wants to wreck your life with a kindness so real it feels fake.

This is where my hope lies: He has already arrived.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Spoiled Rotten.

Ok let’s be real: Jesus is constantly amazing me with my friendships here in Nashville. Honestly, I feel spoiled. It’s like one of those moments where you see a cop and start to second guess every tiny little thing you are doing even down to the motive behind the motive behind the action. Don’t think too hard about that… it will make your head spin. Or… you know those moments you get a test back in school and wonder if the teacher graded it correctly because you got a B+ when you were 120% sure you totally bombed it? But then you come to find out, you actually did know your stuff and the teacher did in fact grade the test correctly. Whaaat?!

Yep, that’s what I feel like right now. The Lord has blessed me with some sweet friendships here. And I stand thankful… incredibly unworthy of such gifts, but aren’t we all?

Thursday, December 29, 2011

And we Groan.

Like an extended breath, I write. Not for the readers I may never have. But for me. For my heart. It is a release of sorts; my words a toss to the wind, a dangerous wind that ravels and spins uncontrollably. This wind knows no time, no limit.

And yet I submit.

I submit my preconceived "control", my pretend "success", my tight reign on what I once thought was My World, My Universe. And no, I would never tell you that. But I believed it to be true when I acted out of my self-proclaimed expertise, my make-no-mistake-about-it certainty that I practically tasted and memorized and mimicked down to the tiniest detail.

The real truth?

I am one broken, messed up human being who aches with a loneliness that sometimes owns me. This loneliness holds an obvious power in my life that carries me through too many nights, too many seasons.

But lately, I have learned a remarkable thing.

This loneliness is a groaning for something much greater. In Romans 8, we are told that our hearts groan because we were meant for something more. The "truth" that we so often believe that completely "fix" all of our problems (you know, the meditation and the yoga and the good wine and the solid conversation with the friend we can always trust...) are actually what keeps us from the treasure our hearts groan for.

Jesus.

Yes, our fixes are often good things. Don't get me wrong, yoga has been a sweet blessing for me lately, one which has allowed me to truly experience the stillness of God in a very fresh and tangible way.

BUT.

It is only in Christ that our hearts are content. That we are complete. So we long for the day when we will know this loneliness, this groaning no more. We will be eternally with our Creator, the one who loves us more wildly and beautifully than we could ever imagine.

I pray that His love will totally disturb your world, that it will blow up what you once thought to be true. May He give Love an entirely new meaning for you.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Lend an Ear.

OK so I was reading recently about ears.. I know, so normal... and I thought about my favorite sounds. Here is a start to that list...

Favorite Sounds-
  • Elizabeth Olmstead's laugh (she'll probably never read this, so I can say that...)
  • My church body (Midtown) singing on a Sunday morning, especially the words, "Christ is risen from the dead. We are one with Him again. Come awake, come awake. Come and rise up from the grave." sooo good to my soul. love it.
  • A "nothing but net" freethrow shot in basketball.
  • A horse's hooves galloping up a hill (reminds me of my days with Rocky Raccoon racing my friends on their horses in the pasture)
  • My back door opening to tell me one of my roommates is home
  • Kicking a pile of leaves at the start of fall
  • Rain on a tin roof (I know, so cliche but it specifically reminds me of Camp McDowell during Rest Hour growing up. Loved that time. We never rested. We just sat on each other's beds and told stories for an hour.)
  • At a track meet when the gun shoots and then like lightning, feet burst out of the blocks and pound into a rubber track for the 4x100 race. Ahh... miss those days.
  • Orange Juice fizzling over crushed ice on a blazing hot summer day in Alabama.
  • Fingers typing "mmargrandall" and my password (No, I will not share that with you..) into my gmail account. I am a pretty fast typer, what can I say? I like the sound of my own speed. :)
  • I could make 500 of these lists for music alone, but I decided to just say one of my all-time favorite instruments, (for your sake and mine), the violin.
  • The breeze whistling through my ears at 9,000 feet up in the air while I'm skydiving over the Talladega Race Course in Alabama. Good times. Call me crazy, but I still remember that sound.
  • Ok one more musical reference- The Afro American Gospel Choir at The University of Alabama
  • The Tennessee State University Step Team... or I should say, any step team. They are just the most recent that I saw perform.
  • A sincere "Thank You" or "I'm sorry"
  • An African student at work calling me "Ms. M&M"- this might be my favorite sound of all
  • My name in Spanish, Maria Margarita. I don't know, I just love the sound of the r's as d's. It's so fun to say.
  • Sneakers on a basketball court... makes me want to go to a college basketball game ASAP.
  • A spoken word artist that has mastered the skill of articulation
  • My phone vibrating announcing an anticipated text.. I know, such a jr. high statement but you have to admit... it does bring a smile.
  • Close friends of mine meeting for the first time.
  • Fire burning on Christmas morning

Ok now you do it and send them to me! (if you want... no pressure)

Monday, November 21, 2011

empty gestures

In the words of Henri Nouwen...

"In the morning, long before dawn, He got up and left the house, and went off to a lonely place and prayed there (Mk. 1:35). In the middle of sentences loaded with action-- healing suffering people, casting out devils, responding to impatient disciples, traveling from town to town and preaching from synagogue to synagogue-- we find these quiet words: 'In the morning, long before dawn, He got up and left the house, and went off to a lonely place and prayed there.' In the center of breathless activities we hear a restful breathing. Surrounded by hours of moving we find a moment of quiet stillness. In the heart of much involvement there are words of withdrawal. In the midst of action there is contemplation. And after much togetherness there is solitude...

In the lonely place Jesus finds the courage to follow God's will and not His own; to speak God's words and not His own; to do God's work and not His own... It is in the lonely place, where Jesus enters into intimacy with the Father, that His ministry is born.

Somewhere we know that without a lonely place our lives are in danger. Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure. Somewhere we know that without a lonely place our actions quickly become empty gestures.

The careful balance between silence and words, withdrawal and involvement, distance and closeness, solitude and community forms the basis of the Christian life and should therefore be the subject of our most personal attention."

-Introduction, Out of Solitude

(If you haven't read any Henri Nouwen, go pick up something from him now. Please.)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

A Theology of Suffering

Yesterday I sat in a membership class for church and there is one thought I cannot escape: A theology of suffering.

WHAT?!

That's right, we were encouraged to process how we view and think about suffering in our lives. And the reality is.... I don't. I ignore it. I curse it and move on. I see God as someone outside of that. Of course He wouldn't let me suffer. He loves me. He only works for my good. And "my good" only comes from the beautiful, the victorious, the all-put-together-no-coloring-outside-of-the-lines kind of reality, right?

Ohhh I wish...

The truth is as I was reminded yesterday, Jesus invites us into His suffering. We are told in Matthew 20:23 that we will indeed drink from His cup. The cup of wrath, of hurt, of pain. And He meets us there.

Yes, some day we will dance to a new rhythm as we discover a new reality- a place of no pain, no sin, no struggle. A day when the Church, His beloved, His bride, is at once reunited with her Creator.

Until then, I am trying not to run from every painful experience.

In the words of one of the pastors at my church-

"Most of us often tend to think of our spiritual journeys as God directed adventures until something goes seriously wrong or until certain problems persist past the time we have given God to take them away. For too long we have been motivated by a solution-focused, make-it-work culture. When life gets tough, we think more about solving the problems rather than finding God in the midst of our problems. As a result, we end up focusing more on using God to improve our lives than on worshipping Him in any and every circumstance. And we end up regarding each other as projects that have problems that need to be fixed."

May we journey through this together as the body of Christ. Suffering, like celebration, is not meant to be travelled alone.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

falling for you.

It's FALL yall! Let's rock it in style...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LYAEz777AU