Too Cool for SchooL

2 Things-

I miss summer.

AND I need a camping trip soon.

To Infinity.... and Beyond!

As the snow continues to fall outside my windows and I am treated to another day off work tomorrow, I commit to truly enjoying this unique time- time to read, time to write, time for sporadic and much-needed conversation with my roommates, time right here at my fingertips just ready for me to mold into my very own. What a gift. It's funny how in just allowing our hearts to breathe a little bit, we can come upon some real truth that is so easily forgotten when the rush of routine overwhelms us and we immediately go into robot mode.

I am suddenly reminded of Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 3 when Lotso, the manipulative leader with his evil southern charm, orders his crew to kidnap Buzz and flip his switch so that he is put in "demo mode".... basically, they un-Buzz him.

What a sad part of the movie. (Don't worry, it gets much better...)

But may I step into your life a little bit and ask, what is your "Lotso"? I know it may be somewhat difficult to take this analogy seriously, but honestly, who or what do you allow in your life to flip your switch and turn you into something that feels so beyond what you know and claim until you become someone so unfamiliar, like an alien in a foreign world? You become like a robot as you mimic the mannerisms that you observe and the patterns that you see in others. And in the process, you barely even know yourself any more. It is as though you walk into a crowded room and cannot seem to stop staring at the stranger with the eyes that remind you of someone until it hits you painfully and unexpectedly like a basketball to the nose. That person is you, the real you. You are living a nightmare in someone else's skin.

...So with all due respect, why the robot? What makes you resort to such lifeless and incredibly monotonous behavior?

Perhaps it is when you feel misunderstood, when you feel trapped inside your own emotions. No matter what, there seems to be no escape, no outlet, no source of common ground where you are free to be you... whatever that means. You feel misunderstood so you stop trying. And you become a robot.

Or could it be when you feel that you are not valued nor appreciated. You feel worthless as you feed into the lies swarming you that say you are not 'enough'... you are not good enough, smart enough, tough enough, wealthy enough. What a painful and soul-cringing word that can be. "You are not enough"... so you stop trying. And you become a robot.

Or could it be when you are running after your own definition of success and you channel all of your emotional, physical, and mental energy into that one prize until you eventually forget what is really important, like relationships. At some point, though, maybe relationships failed you. Maybe they just didn't do it for you.... so you stop trying. And yes, you become a robot.

May I tap into something for a minute? We were not meant to live like this. In fact, we were meant to be everything but a robot. We were meant to taste and feel and experience real freedom.

Now for the Truth.

In Christ, we are understood. In Psalm 139, it says-

"You have searched me, LORD,

and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways."

(verses 1-3... such a sweet passage. keep reading...)

In Christ, we are valued. In fact, we are so valued that He saw us worth giving His own life. (Romans 5:8) If that does not say that we are valued, I don't know what does.

In Christ, we have the ultimate fulfillment. We do not need to run after anything. If only we could see that God is running after us. We are the prodigal son returning home after realizing how broken and messed up we really are, and yet He is our loving, gentle, and forgiving Father who runs toward us with open arms. (Luke 15:11-32)

So.

Robot...? Or freedom...?

I choose the latter.

2010: Rewind.

Today, January 1st 2011 marks a new and fresh beginning. We are entering into a new decade. WOW. That's weird to think about. What will be different about this year, I wonder? What will be the same? What will I fear, cherish, grieve? What mistakes will I make? What small or large victories will I encounter? Who will I meet? Where will I go?

My imagination runs ahead of me. Suddenly, I feel like a kid in a candy store with eyes as big as golf balls and a mouth watering just at the thought of the taste of chocolate... or like a 22-year-old in a candy store. Not much has changed...

I think back to 2010 and I almost literally breathe in lots and lots of of space.... lots of "figuring it all out" seasons of my life, which to be honest, I don't know if that will ever fade entirely. I think we as humans are always trying to figure things out. That's part of life, I guess.

I started the year off in a weird place of being done with school but not starting my first big girl job until a few more months... so I played... and then got bored.... and was soon ready to start moving in a faster pace.

I feel like I have always been comfortable with rest. The Good Lord knows how much I love spending a day in my hammock reading for hours upon hours. But I am reminded in looking back over 2010, that I also really appreciate and sort of thrive off of being busy... and not the overwhelming kind of busy, but the fulfilling, productive kind of busy... the kind where you walk away feeling purposeful and like you made a few friends along the way. That was easy to do in college... just take a ton of hours and get involved in stuff. Easy, right? Will someone please tell me, how the heck does that translate to the real world? All the sudden there is not a handful of clubs you can join without having to cough up some immediate cash. Oh, the joys of being in school....

I remember arriving in Nashville in the late afternoon during the final week of August, taking a deep breath, and then asking myself, "What now?" This time I didn't have classes to fall back on. In this moment, for the first time, I feel like I was in a world beyond myself. I felt like a mere child trying to survive in the Land of Grown-Ups and all I wanted to do was cry... and enjoy doing it.

See, my first big girl job last spring was at Nature's Classroom, a job that was basically like camp and was comfortable and familiar to me... and then I worked at a local restaurant in the summer and lived at home, so I really felt like this was my first real WOW moment... and almost immediately I wanted to return to the comforts of school. College was a cushion for me. It was again, comfortable and familiar... and I kicked myself for graduating a semester early.

I am still learning the rhythm of both being busy and being restful and how each play out in my daily life. I will say, however, that when this rhythm is interrupted and you are forced to engage in a few more restful afternoons than you desire, (or for me, two months of it, thanks to no immediate job), God's voice becomes louder, or really, we just finally allow ourselves to hear it. Our world finally slows down and we become still and there He is reminding us of how much He loves us.

I have to pause here a moment and ask myself a hard question: Why do I enjoy being busy? Is it to drown out the messiness of my life? Maybe if I stay busy, I wonder, I will never really have to deal with the not so great moments in my life... the moments that hurt, the moments that I am not proud of, the moments I wish would just go away. I think that is a huge reason that God gave us rest. We were not meant to push these painful memories under the rug. We were meant to acknowledge them and hand them over to our Creator and let Him redeem our broken hearts, our broken stories, and to make us whole again.

Another reason I might enjoy staying busy and being productive is so that I can prove something, so that I can impress people- my coworkers, my friends, my family, whoever. I secretly want people to look at the work I accomplish and smile and be proud of me. I honestly believe that I and literally everyone craves this attention. We crave love and affection and praise. But may I push a bit further and ask why are we searching so endlessly into the eyes of others? We are children of God. We have gained the ultimate approval. No one else's thoughts matter.

One of the first lessons I learned when I moved to Nashville was that we are not defined by what we do but who we are. We will never do enough. We will never be "good enough" no matter how busy we become. And if that is the only reason why God moved me to Nashy, I will take it. It was a profound lesson that I am reminded of again and again now that the pace of my life has picked up a bit and I have found somewhat of a routine here (and not to mention, a job that I truly love).

So 2011. Here we go. I loosen my grip in attempt to release my expectations for what would make this a "good" year. Who am I to judge?

Dance of the Blind.

OK I know I have slowed down on my blogging these days and for that, I apologize... more to myself than my "readers".... whoever that may be. (Shout-out to the unknowns of this internet-infested world we live in, and I say that with all due respect.) I must confess, however, that in my unnecessary rebellion to the etiquette of consistent blogging, I have come across a ground-breaking truth: I not only enjoy writing, I need it. I desperately need it, and in some ways, I think we all do. Yes, I understand that I am a bit biased when it comes to writing. I think it is safe to say I have enough journals to fill up my entire refrigerator... ok maybe that wasn't the best example, but what I am trying to say is that I love writing.

Words are truly a gift and the ability that we have to string them together and tell each other stories or speak life into each other's worlds or express the goings-on of our hearts and minds is incredible. WOW. Can we just pause there for a moment?

For me, writing is a release of sorts, a release that can very well be this dramatic and messy process, but in the end, it is beautiful because it is a reflection of the conversation I have had with myself for so long, a conversation I did not even know I was having. Here I am so blind to my own emotions, living each day in the midst of them all as they dance around me in all of their truth.

Recently, I have realized that emotions in their rawest form do not and cannot lie. Yes, we as humans have mastered the ability to manipulate their expressions into the outer world as we hide our loneliness and our shame and our depression to the point where even we begin to sway to its catchy tune of compromise. What are we really dancing to, might I ask? What are the roots of our tears or our laughter or the restriction of both?

Through the art of writing, we can attempt to capture our emotions in their most vulnerable state. Try it. Go write something. Have yourself a journal night. Put your feet up and go sit by the fire.

Here, I'll even give you a head start. Here are some of my favorite tunes that I listen to when I am feeling a good writing day. PS- also very good road trip songs =) Enjoy. Happy Writing.

-The Wolves (Act I and II)- Bon Iver

-Fever Dream- Iron and Wine

-Boy From School- Grizzly Bear

-Suffocation Keep- The Slip

-En Gallop- Joanna Newsom

-Futile Devices- Sufjan Stevens

What is an education anyway?

So I was sitting down with my boss one day and out of nowhere we began to have a sincerely beautiful, yet challenging conversation about what education looks like today. To be quite honest, I did not say much. I could have listened to his thoughts unravel for days.

Excuse the generalizations... I know there are exceptions out there. Just keep in mind this is the majority of schools today and yes, I do believe creativity is being brought into the classroom in a unique way through some amazing and innovative educators out there... and I plan to highlight a few of those exceptions that I know of.

[The Boss]

"The educational system as a whole is not engaging kids. The way the system treats students is ridiculous. Their mentality says, pack 'em up, send 'em off, and hope the delivery works out somehow.

By doing this, we are fighting against youth culture instead of trying to understand youth culture. The fundamental problem is students gon't get to be part of the process. I mean, what did you think about the system?" he asked. "Did anyone ever ask you what you thought about it?

And we should never point the finger at students for these systematic problems.

Let's take a school that wants to increase graduation rates. Nine times out of ten, during that process, they are lowering their standards so that more kids can graduate. When the graduation numbers go up, it's not always a good thing.

We must ask ourselves, what are our motives? What is the purpose of high school? If it's not preparing you for life after high school, what's the point?

When 100% of your students go to college but only 10% actually graduate from college...hmm... that's not the college's fault. Were they prepared?

I mean, look at standardized tests. It is easy to measure great test takers but extremely hard to measure great thinkers. There's a difference. If you want to measure a great thinker, look at what he or she has contributed to society.. or plans to contribute.

Give them the keys to the car and let them drive. I mean, yes, show them the stop signs and yield signs and all that jazz but give them some control of their own education. Give them ownership of it.

Everyone in the States has been a student at some point, so everyone is an expert. Yet even the most innovative thinkers put school in a box and say, ok bell rings at this time... only five minutes to change class, we'll put the blinding fluorescent lights here, and yes, only white walls..."

SO...

Take away point- Let's invite creativity back into the classroom and give the students more of a say in things, because let's not forget, it is their education. Who knows? They might have some pretty decent ideas. I mean, didn't you when you were a student? =)

I thought I would end this post with a few of some of my favorite schools that I believe truly see education as more than just a classroom and textbook kind of experience....

• School in the Woods- Colorado Springs, CO. I was fortunate to see this school in action last fall. It was such a rewarding experience for me. Check it out- (http://www.asd20.org/education/components/scrapbook/default.php?sectiondetailid=11819&)
• Harpeth Hall- Nashville, TN. I heard a speaker from this school at a panel discussion I attended for work and so I looked it up as soon as I got home. Immediately, I thought of going back to school for a degree in Education just so I could try and work here. (http://www.harpethhall.org)
• Big Picture School- just started one in Nashville! I have never visited but am highly curious... (http://www.bigpicture.org)
• Capitol School- Tuscaloosa, Alabama Yes I am from Tuscaloosa, and no, I did not attend this school... except for their day camp one summer when I was six and I pitched a fit because I did not get seconds on chocolate milk.... anyway, I have heard some amazing things and have a great deal of respect for this school. (http://www.thecapitolschoool.com)
• And on a college level... I am sorry but I have to brag on the Interdisciplinary Studies program I was so fortunate to be a part of at the University of Alabama. Wow. I really cannot speak highly enough about this program. I miss being in the classroom for this very reason... Meet "New College"- Tuscaloosa, Alabama (http://www.as.ua.edu/nc/)- I am on the homepage walking across the bridge!

"take IN the trash"

So after I enjoy a weekend of camping in the great outdoors, I typically come home and look forward to a refreshing, hot shower. And just like that, all of the smell, sweat, and germs are gone in a matter of no time.

Now compare that experience to this...

In Guatemala City, generations of families LIVE (literally, LIVE) in the city dump. Many of these Guatemalans never see life outside of the dump. They never get their shower and I doubt that thought even crosses their mind. No, they are worried about surviving another day. Another day in the garbage dump. To know that human beings live this way is shocking and terrifying and disturbing on so many different levels. I can only imagine the psychological effects this has on their lives. As outcasts even in their own city and culture, they most likely see themselves as trash. These Guatemalans who deserve to experience real, authentic joy and purpose in their lives from a God who sees them and knows them as irreplaceable TREASURE wake up to the sight of hundreds upon hundreds of vultures swarming over their heads in search of dead and rotting human flesh and animals to feast on. I can't imagine the types of things they use for a pillow at night... perhaps an old cereal box or a pile of sticky candy wrappers, whatever they can get a hold of for the night.

Tonight, I had the privilege of seeing the film, Reparando (http://www.reparandomovie.com/) at the Belcourt Theater here in Nashville. At the end of the film, audience members were told that we are now accountable for what we have seen. "You now know too much not to do something about it," we were informed.

And yes, now you are informed. Although hopefully, this is only the beginning as you and I both continue to research this unfortunate reality and begin to dream of potential solutions. And with a problem this enormous, it may take lots and lots of little solutions. But start dreaming...

Share this story. Share this knowledge because knowledge is power.

Here are a few facts to get you started...

• 10,500 people live and work in the Guatemala City dump as a means for survival. 6,400 of them are children. (http://www.pottershouse.org.gt/statistics.html)

• 53% of the children under age 13 that work in the dump do not attend school. 74% of teens between 13 and 18 that work in the dump do not attend school. (http://www.pottershouse.org.gt/statistics.html)

• Malnutrition from childhood results short stature. Rats, snakes, roaches, ants and lice flourish in the garbage. Dogs and vultures compete with human beings for the food that enters the garbage. (http://www.pottershouse.org.gt/lifestyle.html)

• Glue sniffing is also common problem among dump dwellers, as it gives a temporary high and deadens the smell of the dump. (http://dbooth.org/guat2000/small/day3_1.htm)

Mint Tea Mistake

As much as I would love to claim that I am the utmost sophisticated and trendy latte lover, I am not. The truth is out. I am no tea drinker or coffee drinker nor have I ever been. Yes, I spend hours upon hours in coffee shops as many of you can attest to. But in the midst of my extended stay in the coffee shop choice of the day and the time comes for me to indulge, I do so with milk and a cookie. For whatever reason, this decision never fails to make the cashier laugh as they give me the same exact look I get so often when I sip out of my Spider Man water bottle... that look that says, "And.. how old are you?" Although, I must admit, earlier this week when I gave my usual order of a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk, the cashier smiled and said, "That sounds really good right now." (And yes, it was.)

Sadly, however, as the weather has transitioned into fall and the temperature has dropped here in the lovely Middle Tennesee, my throat has been itching like a fire ant invasion and my sinuses have most definitely seen better days. I am sure you all can relate.

So I gave in and bought myself a mint tea in hopes to cure my cold with its warmth and fresh mint-iness. I return to my seat, and am suddenly reminding myself of a shameless, disastrous child at her 3-year-old birthday party... you know, the fat kid who can't seem to wait for everyone to sing "Happy Birthday" before they dive face first into the massive ocean of icing. Yep, that's me.

Finally, after a few ridiculous minutes of continuously glancing impatiently at it as if it was scheming to run away, I finally pick it up to take my first sip, ready and thrilled to receive my long-awaited "cure".

...And.... half a second later, a waterfall of tea spills all over my body because of its terrifying and surprising burn. (This probably wouldn't be a surprise to the typical and yes, normal tea drinker.) No joke, my lips still cannot stop shaking. As a result, my sickness as well as the newly formed bumps on my tongue will persist and I will be in even more pain than I was before as my entire body recovers from this mint tea explosion.

Now I know why I never try this.